My Blog

It’s 3 AM. I’ve been paged to the ER. I try to stay awake and head there, wondering what ails the poor soul who’s come to the hospital. I’m tired, cranky, hungry, and wondering for the nth time why I chose to become a doctor.

And I am afraid. I might not know what to do. What if it’s an emergency case, and I only have a little time to figure things out? I feel like an impostor, me with the white coat and the stethoscope, head crammed with medical jargon and a million worries. What if I made a mistake? What if I miss something and I send the patient home and he gets worse there and comes back tomorrow feeling even more ill than before? What if I did the wrong thing?

We had one patient who didn’t want to get a tetanus injection. I stressed to the mother that her child will die should she get tetanus, as there’s no cure for it. BEEEEP! The ER resident called me aside and castigated me for what I’ve just said. She then told me to read up. It was humiliating! I was wrong about what I’ve said, of course. I went back to my books, the facts branded into my brain, etched deep by the sheer heat of my shame.

It made me think about the heavy burden of responsibility, and made me question whether I am ready for it. Whenever I hear the PA system call for Dr Baula, I cringe a little. There are times when I feel that I am not worthy of the title. But I guess most of us feel that way.

I arrive at the ER. It’s a 4 year old child with a cough, a fever, and a very worried mother. After doing an exam I call my resident and tell her what I think. I felt gratified when she agrees with my diagnosis and my plan. We go back to the patient, prescribe the medications, and reassure the mother that her daughter is going to be ok.

And, as they take their leave, the daughter looks at me, smiles a wan little smile through her tears (she was so afraid that we were going to give her an injection earlier), and waves goodbye. The mother lets out a laugh of relief. We are all smiles once again.

And, on times such as these, I remember why I want to be a doctor.

This entry was posted on Saturday, November 29th, 2008 at 2:48 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.